An Interview with Cleopatra

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR A monument pipe depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the monument pipe. meerschaum 1983
This pipe was inspired by an old Firesign Theater bit about a mural depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the mural.

An Interview with Cleopatra

ARTY> Today I'd like to welcome the last, and arguably the most famous Egyptian Pharaoh, Cleopatra the seventh. She was an Egyptian Pharaoh even though she was Greek by blood line. Thanks for stopping by. Before the last century there wouldn't be any doubt that you were most famous Pharaoh. Until King Tut's tomb was discovered the only other widely known Pharaoh was Ramesses the Great of Old Testament infamy.

CLEOPATRA> I'm being casual right now but you should have seen me in my prime. I was accompanied by statesmen, maids in waiting, a body guard of hundreds, lions and leopards, musicians and a mass of male and female slaves, all of them dressed in royal finery. I was the reincarnation of the Goddess Isis and as such I was worshipped throughout much of the Roman Empire. At that time the old Roman pantheon was losing it's appeal. Egyptian and Persian deities, even the Judean God were gaining stature as so called mystery cults.

ARTY> As you know, I like to ask my guests what they would have done differently given 20/20 hindsite.

CLEOPATRA> Well, Arty, my life was in danger from early childhood. I had brothers and sisters who were in line to be rulers of Egypt and that was such a great prize it was worth killing for. Naturally my brothers were more likely than me to gain the throne so the court tended to align itself with one of them. Add to that the ambitions of Julius Caesar and I had to choose wisely who I allied myself with and how I did it. Egypt was not strong enough to keep the Romans at bay so I needed to have a friend among them. From what my spies told me Julius was the man. His sexual appetites made it easy.

When he was killed I chose to ally myself with his favorite general Mark Anthony. That was a mistake but it was not mine. Even with all my spies, soothsayers and astrologers I had no way of knowing then that Anthony's ally Octavian would turn on him and eventually prevail. Octavian was just a boy and I had never met him.

What would I have done differently? I made the same choice as Alexander. He chose glory over long life too. It was a good life while it lasted. The fact that you know of me 2000 years after my death is proof that I made a good choice.

ARTY> You've got a reputation as a voluptuary yet if that was all there was to you it hardly seems your legend would have lasted this long.

CLEOPATRA> Well, like many women I knew how to use my body to get what I wanted. Men are so easily manipulated that way. But I was different from other bimbos like Helen of Troy. I was seductive and educated. Do you know I was the first of the Greek Pharaohs to actually speak Egyptian? I was also the first of the Greek Pharaohs to worship the Egyptian gods. In addition, there is the little known fact that it was my own personal astronomer Sosigenes who first thought of adding a leap year and an extra leap day to keep the new Julian calendar accurate. Your modern calendar pays homage to the old Roman gods and emperors, but it was my influence that introduced the leap year. Not bad for an ancient voluptuary's astronomer, wouldn't you say?

ARTY> Yes, it's pretty obvious there is more to you than meets the eye, which is a lot. Any words of warning to modern mankind?

CLEOPATRA> Let's see now. You're asking the last Pharaoh of a 3000 year old civilization what modern humanity should avoid. I don't see how you can avoid being human. It's what we are. We're ruled by our most primitive urges and no philosophy is stronger than they are. Both Julius and Mark were weaker than their sex drives and it was held against both of them.

16.An Interview with Spartacus

St Pauli Girl Hand Held Beer Stein Pipe
meerschaum pipe 1983, 1 oz Sterling Silver Lid. The building shown in this view was copied from the artwork on the cases at that time.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SPARTACUS

ARTY> I'm happy to have that most famous Roman Gladiator, Spartacus join us. Thanks very much. As you know, I ask almost everyone the same first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what would you have done differently?

SPARTACUS> Well, thank you and it's nice to be able to add my two denarris worth to your work. What would I do different? Nothing. I was going to be killed one way or the other. I'd rather be killed fighting for freedom than to entertain people who think that someone else's pain and suffering is entertaining. Everyone who joined me felt the same way. We all knew we were doomed. We just wanted to take as many Romans with us as we could kill.

ARTY> Why?

SPARTACUS> You were there. You know what a Roman slave's life was like. If you went to the arena you saw animals fighting each other and men. You saw people being eaten by animals, common criminals being executed, prisoners of war being set upon each other till there was only one alive. Kind of like a modern demolition derby but with hot blood. It gets worse. During intermissions they would parade a bunch of naked slave girls into the arena where they were forced to mate with stallions and bulls. It was a bloody mess.

That was only on game days. Every day cruelty was just as bad. Do you know what they did if a slave attacked an owner? They killed every slave in that household. I could go on and on. The Romans killed non citizens by crucifixion which was an unattended slow death by torture. Actually, we called it "a Roman Birdfeeder". And they seldom nailed people up. They tied most to the cross 'cause it was cheaper, slower and more painful. The birds would start eating before people died. You couldn't brush them off because your arms were tied. There you were, an offering to the birds, being eaten alive. They'd start with the nice soft bits. First your eyes, then lips, private parts, tongue, cheeks. You couldn't scream without giving the birds more to eat. When the Romans finally defeated us they crucified thousands of us on the road to Rome. It was a forest of bird feeders. I think every bird in Italy came to feast on us. The sky was just black when those birds all took flight at once. I'm sure you could smell us from miles away.

ARTY> And that was preferable to life as a Roman slave. Tell me what life was like for you before you were captured by the Romans.

SPARTACUS> Well, I was born in a country called Thrace. It's closer to Athens than Rome, but it's a world away from both of them. We were tribes people with no cities. What law there was was the blood feud. Any insult, any accident was repaid in blood. Did you know Alexander the Great's first combat as a youngster was in Thrace? He went with a friend to fight in a blood feud. His father Phillip finally subdued "law by the blood feud" when he ascended the throne of Macedon. He imposed Greek law on us. Thracians made up a part of his army, and they went with Alexander to Persia.

Life was cruel, and I was a warrior by profession. We didn't fight for other people's entertainment, though. It was entertaining for us. We were old fashioned head hunters. Warriors would sometimes fight to the death for the best cut of meat at a feast. When the Romans conquered Thrace I was captured and sold to a fight promoter. I soon realized I was better than most.

ARTY> I don't suppose you've seen the movie about you.

SPARTACUS> Yes I have and I've seen that movie GLADIATOR too. Why go to that much trouble to tell only half a story? I'm glad no one had to die to make those movies but, quite frankly, you might as well say nothing than tell the sorts of lies those movies told.

ARTY> How so?

SPARTACUS> Well, it was as basic as life in Rome. I'm full up to here with it. The smells especially. I'm from the country, where you could smell the faintest aroma like the leaves on the ground or the smell of a lake in summer. In Rome, with it's huge population, the people peed into amphora kept by cleaners for washing clothes and they pooped in public latrines which were built over the Tiber River. All the animals in Rome just did it on the ground where it stayed. Add to that the death in the arena and the circus and you've got an overwhelming stench.

Movies don't come with the smells or the details of everyday life in Rome. Dead bodies laying in the streets, the most pathetic looking beggers you can imagine. I have no desire to remember my life in Rome.

ARTY> Then I won't ask you anymore about it. Again, I want to thank you for stopping by today.One last question. Do you have anything you'd like to tell us with 20/20 foresight?

SPARTACUS> Well, from what I've seen America is the new Rome. You have an insatiable appetite for sex and violence. You have to keep pushing your frontiers back to conquer troublesome neighbors. You have done in 200 years what it took the Romans 700 years to do. Look what Rome is today. You're next.