An Interview with Cleopatra

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR A monument pipe depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the monument pipe. meerschaum 1983
This pipe was inspired by an old Firesign Theater bit about a mural depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the mural.

An Interview with Cleopatra

ARTY> Today I'd like to welcome the last, and arguably the most famous Egyptian Pharaoh, Cleopatra the seventh. She was an Egyptian Pharaoh even though she was Greek by blood line. Thanks for stopping by. Before the last century there wouldn't be any doubt that you were most famous Pharaoh. Until King Tut's tomb was discovered the only other widely known Pharaoh was Ramesses the Great of Old Testament infamy.

CLEOPATRA> I'm being casual right now but you should have seen me in my prime. I was accompanied by statesmen, maids in waiting, a body guard of hundreds, lions and leopards, musicians and a mass of male and female slaves, all of them dressed in royal finery. I was the reincarnation of the Goddess Isis and as such I was worshipped throughout much of the Roman Empire. At that time the old Roman pantheon was losing it's appeal. Egyptian and Persian deities, even the Judean God were gaining stature as so called mystery cults.

ARTY> As you know, I like to ask my guests what they would have done differently given 20/20 hindsite.

CLEOPATRA> Well, Arty, my life was in danger from early childhood. I had brothers and sisters who were in line to be rulers of Egypt and that was such a great prize it was worth killing for. Naturally my brothers were more likely than me to gain the throne so the court tended to align itself with one of them. Add to that the ambitions of Julius Caesar and I had to choose wisely who I allied myself with and how I did it. Egypt was not strong enough to keep the Romans at bay so I needed to have a friend among them. From what my spies told me Julius was the man. His sexual appetites made it easy.

When he was killed I chose to ally myself with his favorite general Mark Anthony. That was a mistake but it was not mine. Even with all my spies, soothsayers and astrologers I had no way of knowing then that Anthony's ally Octavian would turn on him and eventually prevail. Octavian was just a boy and I had never met him.

What would I have done differently? I made the same choice as Alexander. He chose glory over long life too. It was a good life while it lasted. The fact that you know of me 2000 years after my death is proof that I made a good choice.

ARTY> You've got a reputation as a voluptuary yet if that was all there was to you it hardly seems your legend would have lasted this long.

CLEOPATRA> Well, like many women I knew how to use my body to get what I wanted. Men are so easily manipulated that way. But I was different from other bimbos like Helen of Troy. I was seductive and educated. Do you know I was the first of the Greek Pharaohs to actually speak Egyptian? I was also the first of the Greek Pharaohs to worship the Egyptian gods. In addition, there is the little known fact that it was my own personal astronomer Sosigenes who first thought of adding a leap year and an extra leap day to keep the new Julian calendar accurate. Your modern calendar pays homage to the old Roman gods and emperors, but it was my influence that introduced the leap year. Not bad for an ancient voluptuary's astronomer, wouldn't you say?

ARTY> Yes, it's pretty obvious there is more to you than meets the eye, which is a lot. Any words of warning to modern mankind?

CLEOPATRA> Let's see now. You're asking the last Pharaoh of a 3000 year old civilization what modern humanity should avoid. I don't see how you can avoid being human. It's what we are. We're ruled by our most primitive urges and no philosophy is stronger than they are. Both Julius and Mark were weaker than their sex drives and it was held against both of them.