11. A Delicious Red Herring In Whine Sauce

POT BELLIED STOVE PIPE meerschaum pipe early '80s
4 oz of Sterling Silver decoration. The onion dome swings to one side revealing the bowl. There is isinglass behind the door.
See Stove Pipe 2 to see what's behind that.

A DELICIOUS RED HERRING IN WHINE SAUCE

Humans are connected much the same way that flocks of birds or sheep are. It's called the herd instinct. Drive the speed limit on any out state freeway and you will be passed by packs of cars that are themselves changing places within the pack. The real speed merchants will finally make their way to the front of the pack where they will wrench themselves loose to fly free until they catch up with another pack when they will have to start the passing process again.

Human herding occurs at every level from the couple to the species. Humans want to be part of something bigger than they are. We take pride in our associations, our membership in a group even if it is something as basic as skin color or as exclusive as membership in a private country club. We need a reason to look down on someone else.

Herding is not second nature. It's first nature. We delude ourselves into thinking we're all different. They say there are no two snowflakes alike, but they're all still snowflakes. All humans are different but we're still all human.

Historically the human response to local over population has been to move somewhere else. A famous example involves the Galatians of New Testament fame. They were named for a migrating band of Celtic Gauls that had settled there after leaving what is now France. Another Tribe of migrating Celts from what is now Switzerland became famous for a different reason. Julius Caesar had his army slaughter the whole 12,000 member tribe as they were trying to find new land. For years afterward the land where the massacre happened grew bumper crops.

Another response is abortion. It is a species reaction to swarming. We're living stacked up on each other. We feel the pressure as individuals. When my father was in his sixties his older sister was dying of cancer. During one of their visits she told him something he had never known before.

When his mother was pregnant with him his folks already had three kids. It was 1921, they were dirt poor living on a farm in northern Minnesota. One of their neighbors encouraged her to ride the train down to Minneapolis and go to a particular Doctor who would do an abortion. So she rode the three hours to Minneapolis, took a taxi to the Doctor's office and sat down to wait for the doc. Sometime before her name was called she changed her mind.

She chose.

It seems to me that those who remove the choice are trying to impress God with their ardent belief. Why is it so imperative to get into heaven by pointing at someone else and telling God "See, they're worse than me. Here, I'll change their behavior for you." The implication is that these people believe they have nothing to improve on before God. They can concentrate on herding everyone else toward the same sort of spirituality they have.

They're trying to regulate something basic. It's one of the big four. There's eating, sleeping, eliminating and procreating. Try regulating any of the other three. Thou shalt not sleep past 6:30 AM.

Pointing fingers is a two way street. Anyone who thinks my sex life is their business is insisting that their sex life is my business. Yech! The only porn I really enjoy has the wife and me starring in it.

There was an interesting study back in the '80s. They interviewed women who had abortions in Boston and found that a majority were Catholic. When asked why they all said the same thing. You only have to confess it once. With birth control you have to confess it constantly.

Another study from about the same time was about morality in New England before 1776. They went to all the churches from that era, cross referenced wedding dates with first born birth dates and voila! Fully one third of all first born were conceived out of wedlock. And if you do the math, since everyone who did it didn't get caught, there was prob'ly one half to two thirds doin' it pre nuptually there in the Puritan New England of Hester Prynne and dead witches.

Sometime in that time period the Supreme Court made an actual study of porn by watching it. Nine dignified men watched porn, at taxpayer's expense, and they came to this conclusion: it's boring.

One more funny little thing from the same era, during the time Ronald Reagan said Jim and Tammy Bakker were the future of Christianity in America. There was a televangelist convention in Las Vegas and afterward an enterprising reporter visited the hotels during the graveyard shift and talked the night clerks into letting him see their bills. 75% had paid for porn.

We used to have relatives in the deep south, the so called Bible Belt. We've driven around a lot down there and were always amazed by the ubiquity of porn shops down there. Farmers put a parking lot and a Butler building in the corner of a corn field for some steady cash flow. Every gas station sells the stuff and it's right there at eye level when you walk in. And it's not just the soft porn PLAYBOY and PENTHOUSE stuff either. Whenever a gas station goes out of business the default replacement is a porn shop. Consider the Supreme Court ruling that porn is "boring". Judging by the cars at those cornfield porn shops 24/7 it's less boring than a hands on sex life for a lot of Bible Belters, of whom 75% claim to be born again.

I was struck by the fact that during the Clinton travails the 5 o'clock news was X rated. What he did was done in private and it's no worse than the other 50% of Americans who cheat on their spouses, Some do, some don't. But to subject the rest of the world to our dirty laundry with "film at 11" coverage was a GOP version of group sex.

I must admit that the female of the human species is the most beautiful thing on earth to me, but there is a time and place for everything. The road from Atlanta to Walt Disney World really shouldn't be one long sex shopping mall.