18. An Interview with Helen of Troy

THE ST PAULI GIRL HAND HELD BEER STEIN PIPE meerschaum 1983

This pipe has a 1 oz Sterling Silver lid. The girl was taken from the label on the bottle in the early '80s before she was replaced with a more modern girl. The things sticking out of her apron are white radishes, finger food for 19th century German beer drinkers. I drank my model one per hour for the 100 hours it took to make. 6" (15.2 cm) long


AN INTERVIEW WITH HELEN OF TROY

ARTY> Today I'm proud to interview the ultimate legendary beauty, "The face that launched a thousand ships", Helen of Troy. Thank you for stopping by, Helen. You know my first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what, if anything, would you do different?

HELEN> Nice to see you too, Arty. Well, I certainly wouldn't have fallen for that slick Trojan Paris, no matter how pretty he was. It's just that he was so young and good looking compared to my husband Menelaus. I had been "awarded" to Menelaus for political reasons. I wouldn't have chosen him for his looks. He wasn't ugly, he was just badly scarred from the many wounds he had sustained in battle. When Paris came along, with his smooth skin and even smoother words, I fell for him.

ARTY> Did you think your actions would lead to a ten year war and the destruction of one of the most powerful cities of the era in an epic that resounds even to this day?

HELEN> Well, at the time I didn't realize that my suitors had all sworn an oath to fight anyone who didn't respect Menelaus' and my marriage. That's why it was so easy for my husband to raise an army to fight attack Troy. Actually, in retrospect, the Greeks had been looking for an excuse to attack Troy for quite a while. It was just too rich, too close, too tempting a target. If Paris had been a prince of some poor or far off kingdom my husband would have had to fend for himself but since Troy was the target every Greek pirate with a boat wanted a chance to share in the loot.

ARTY> How very humble of you.

HELEN> Hardly. I was a goddess. Did you know that my legend began before Paris and I ran off to Troy? First I was the daughter of Zeus and Leda. Theseus the great Greek super hero abducted me when I was just a girl. I was rescued by my divine brothers Castor and Pollux but only after they had invaded Athens. So you see two wars were fought over me. People worshipped me well into the so called "common era". There was a temple built in my honor in Sparta. More people know of me now than when I was alive. Not even your legendary beauty Marilyn Monroe can make that claim.

ARTY> I understand it was your great beauty that kept your husband Menelaus from killing you when the Greeks eventually took Troy.

HELEN> Yes, Arty. Menelaus took one look at me and raised his sword to kill me. It wasn't till I let my gown fall to the floor that he dropped his sword and let me live. It wasn't my face that disarmed him, it was my naked body. Women have used the power of their bodies since time began. Sometimes it works against them. Men use their physical strength to offset their emotional weakness around females. When Troy was sacked the Greeks killed all the males but took the women captive. Of course they had their way with the women before selling them into slavery. The youngest and prettiest became sex slaves, the rest were put to work as domestics.

It's no wonder that there are men all over the world who are actually frightened of women. In my day it was normal for men to openly worship the female body in the form of Venus, Aphrodite, Ishtar, the list goes on and on. Before that the only deity was The Mother. Today's two major wold religions are both committed to preventing men from being "exploited" because they're so helpless around beautiful women.

ARTY> Tell me, Helen, what those ten years of war were like for you. I mean, did the Trojans blame you for what was happening?

HELEN> At first they were happy to have a goddess living among them. I was a celebrity who chose to live in Troy rather than in my home of Sparta. Really, compared to the bustling metropolis of Troy, Sparta was a run down, backwoods home of low lifes. They lived to fight, not build. There was some civic pride but after it became obvious the Greeks were serious the Trojans blamed "that Greek whore" rather than Paris for the war. The only people who treated me with kindness were Hector and his father King Priam.

ARTY> Well, I certainly want to thank you for stopping to talk to me. You definitely are a very beautiful woman. As a man I must admit I'm curious about…. Oh my. I can see why Menelaus spared you when he saw you with nothing on, as you are now. Thanks again. My goodness!

Give me a second to gather my thoughts. Ahem. Do you have anything to say to modern humans that you've learned through 20/20 hindsite?

HELEN> Yes I do, Arty. First of all, thank you. You made my day. From your reaction to my letting my gown slip off I can tell that I've still got it. To the rest of you I can only say this: "Make love, not war!"