5. An Interview With The World's Smartest Man

"THE CLAW"
5' (1.52 m) tall
A barber pole style staff made of Sumac. The claw end is the root, and the colors are natural. The white sapwood in the root goes many annual rings deep before changing color while on the trunk it is only one ring deep. The squarish, flamey thing on top is a manmade metallic crystal. It is glued to a penlight that can be used to light up that green crystal ball. I shoulda' quit while I was ahead on this one, but I set out aheada' time to make a lit staff but that staff, with that head didn't need any extra added features. Oh well. I just won't give it away like I do all my other Sumac creations.

The foot of this staff is a six toed cat's paw carved in tribute to Papa Hemingway's six toed cat's. The cat's had just won a court case letting them remain in Papa's house in Key West, Florida. This staff has also seen service with me in my wizard outfit, going to the local Renaissance Festival. It's so much fun handing out little Sumac good luck charms to young and old and posing for pictures with pretty young things.

IN INTERVIEW WITH THE WORLD'S SMARTEST PERSON

ARTY> We're standing on a corner here in Anytown USA and having a chat with that unsung, unknown smartest man in the world. Thank you for stopping. I always ask the same first question. Given 20/20 hindsite, what would you do different?

WSM> Wait a minute, dude. Unknown? I gotta lotta friends an' they all know how smart I am. Hey, Jerome! Come over here and tell this dude how smart I am! Well, he woulda' told you. Hey Jerome!

Oh, uh, lemme think. Well, I wish I had saved some of the money I stole from the navy back when I was a sailor stationed in Scotland. But I spent it all on dope an' my stripper girlfriend. Oh, she was totally awesome! She could turn you inside ou...

ARTY> Excuse me, but when did first realize you were the world's smartest man?

WSM> Like, forever, dude. Hey! That's sumpthin' you just know. Nobody had to tell me. I just knew it. Uh, I could just tell by listening to other people. Even my teachers in grade school were dumber n' me. I didn't pay much attention in school. Just mostly hung out. They sent me to a shrink once in high school but I told him to get f....

ARTY> Moving right along. It seems pretty obvious now why we managed to find the world's smartest man so easily. You were only the third person we asked and the first two had to think about it. So tell me, what does the world's smartest man do for a living?

WSM> Well, I'm a machinist right now. We make stuff for medical stuff. Some of it is so small you can hardly see it without lookin' through a scope. I'da' been a team leader by now but I can't keep my mouth shut. I tell it like it is.

ARTY> Hard to imagine why you didn't make team leader. Given your brains you must be economically independent.

WSM> Well, I'm workin' on it. There's a sure fire investment that I'm putting my money into right now. Assault Rifles. I got enough ordnance to arm 14 other guys. I'd have my own platoon. But who knew that ammo would be so spendy? God, when I think about all the brass we useta just leave layin' on the ground. Say, that'd be sumpthin' I'd do differe...

ARTY> Thank you, Now, as World's smartest man, can you tell us what is the biggest thing that you that we, as a nation, have to worry about?

WSM> Oh, the deficit for sure. Y' know, this country had no debt before Der Fuhrer came along and now all of a sudden there's these deficits.They're all corrupt! And my kids are gonna hafta pay for it. What's THAT all about? Thank God for the second amendment! YO! America rules!

ARTY>Well, there you have it folks, The World's smartest man. He's a middle aged machine operator with a decaying liver and a swimming pool in the back yard. He thinks that a romantic prelude to love making is to kick off his pajama bottoms in the morning when he wakes up. He votes.