Cathedral 4/4/10

It's been a couple of weeks. I'm still busy, just doing more than carve. First it's been cold until last week. When it did warm up a little we went to work cleaning out the garage. Now we can see parts of the floor that we haven't seen for years. We're so proud.

What carving I did was a mixed bag. Just after roughing out the Great Wall of China, all three inches of it, I was landscaping around it when an errant chisel blow turned half of it from a mountain into a valley. Oh well, at least I hadn't spent a lot of time on detail yet.

After reroughing the wall I moved on to roughing the cathedral (shown). Next I'm going to rough out a three inch tall carving of me sitting down directly under the cathedral carving away at the base.

3D Blogging

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR In soapstone. Roughly 6" (15 cm) X 6" (15 cm) X 9" (23 cm)

Approximately three months ago I decided that I'd rather carve than write. I had a stroke a year ago tomorrow and writing was good motor skills therapy but I don't really enjoy it very much. I know that finding any Tanzanian Meerschaum to carve was beyond my means so I found some soapstone for sale on line and when it arrived I set up a temporary studio in the dining room.

After about two months of roughing work I thought I might try doing the arches in the Coliseum. Well, I got carried away and realized, too late, that since I've got so much heavy work yet to do around it I was making it too fragile . The finished walls will be less than 1/16" thick. No irreversible damage yet but I've had to completely encase it in candle wax until the rest of DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR is all done. Then I can finish the Coliseum.

But I was encouraged. My stamina is up to about three and a half hours total in two sessions. My right arm is still pretty spastic and wearing a magnifying visor is hard on my neck.

As you can see I've just barely started the Great Wall of China and I haven't even started the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris and the Moai head from Easter Island. I have finished roughing out the Ziggurat and Pyramid. This shot doesn't show the partly roughed out Mayan pyramid temple. In the far corner will be a three inch tall me carving my signature in the base.

An Interview with Cleopatra

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR A monument pipe depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the monument pipe. meerschaum 1983
This pipe was inspired by an old Firesign Theater bit about a mural depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the mural.

An Interview with Cleopatra

ARTY> Today I'd like to welcome the last, and arguably the most famous Egyptian Pharaoh, Cleopatra the seventh. She was an Egyptian Pharaoh even though she was Greek by blood line. Thanks for stopping by. Before the last century there wouldn't be any doubt that you were most famous Pharaoh. Until King Tut's tomb was discovered the only other widely known Pharaoh was Ramesses the Great of Old Testament infamy.

CLEOPATRA> I'm being casual right now but you should have seen me in my prime. I was accompanied by statesmen, maids in waiting, a body guard of hundreds, lions and leopards, musicians and a mass of male and female slaves, all of them dressed in royal finery. I was the reincarnation of the Goddess Isis and as such I was worshipped throughout much of the Roman Empire. At that time the old Roman pantheon was losing it's appeal. Egyptian and Persian deities, even the Judean God were gaining stature as so called mystery cults.

ARTY> As you know, I like to ask my guests what they would have done differently given 20/20 hindsite.

CLEOPATRA> Well, Arty, my life was in danger from early childhood. I had brothers and sisters who were in line to be rulers of Egypt and that was such a great prize it was worth killing for. Naturally my brothers were more likely than me to gain the throne so the court tended to align itself with one of them. Add to that the ambitions of Julius Caesar and I had to choose wisely who I allied myself with and how I did it. Egypt was not strong enough to keep the Romans at bay so I needed to have a friend among them. From what my spies told me Julius was the man. His sexual appetites made it easy.

When he was killed I chose to ally myself with his favorite general Mark Anthony. That was a mistake but it was not mine. Even with all my spies, soothsayers and astrologers I had no way of knowing then that Anthony's ally Octavian would turn on him and eventually prevail. Octavian was just a boy and I had never met him.

What would I have done differently? I made the same choice as Alexander. He chose glory over long life too. It was a good life while it lasted. The fact that you know of me 2000 years after my death is proof that I made a good choice.

ARTY> You've got a reputation as a voluptuary yet if that was all there was to you it hardly seems your legend would have lasted this long.

CLEOPATRA> Well, like many women I knew how to use my body to get what I wanted. Men are so easily manipulated that way. But I was different from other bimbos like Helen of Troy. I was seductive and educated. Do you know I was the first of the Greek Pharaohs to actually speak Egyptian? I was also the first of the Greek Pharaohs to worship the Egyptian gods. In addition, there is the little known fact that it was my own personal astronomer Sosigenes who first thought of adding a leap year and an extra leap day to keep the new Julian calendar accurate. Your modern calendar pays homage to the old Roman gods and emperors, but it was my influence that introduced the leap year. Not bad for an ancient voluptuary's astronomer, wouldn't you say?

ARTY> Yes, it's pretty obvious there is more to you than meets the eye, which is a lot. Any words of warning to modern mankind?

CLEOPATRA> Let's see now. You're asking the last Pharaoh of a 3000 year old civilization what modern humanity should avoid. I don't see how you can avoid being human. It's what we are. We're ruled by our most primitive urges and no philosophy is stronger than they are. Both Julius and Mark were weaker than their sex drives and it was held against both of them.

18. An Interview with Helen of Troy

THE ST PAULI GIRL HAND HELD BEER STEIN PIPE meerschaum 1983

This pipe has a 1 oz Sterling Silver lid. The girl was taken from the label on the bottle in the early '80s before she was replaced with a more modern girl. The things sticking out of her apron are white radishes, finger food for 19th century German beer drinkers. I drank my model one per hour for the 100 hours it took to make. 6" (15.2 cm) long


AN INTERVIEW WITH HELEN OF TROY

ARTY> Today I'm proud to interview the ultimate legendary beauty, "The face that launched a thousand ships", Helen of Troy. Thank you for stopping by, Helen. You know my first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what, if anything, would you do different?

HELEN> Nice to see you too, Arty. Well, I certainly wouldn't have fallen for that slick Trojan Paris, no matter how pretty he was. It's just that he was so young and good looking compared to my husband Menelaus. I had been "awarded" to Menelaus for political reasons. I wouldn't have chosen him for his looks. He wasn't ugly, he was just badly scarred from the many wounds he had sustained in battle. When Paris came along, with his smooth skin and even smoother words, I fell for him.

ARTY> Did you think your actions would lead to a ten year war and the destruction of one of the most powerful cities of the era in an epic that resounds even to this day?

HELEN> Well, at the time I didn't realize that my suitors had all sworn an oath to fight anyone who didn't respect Menelaus' and my marriage. That's why it was so easy for my husband to raise an army to fight attack Troy. Actually, in retrospect, the Greeks had been looking for an excuse to attack Troy for quite a while. It was just too rich, too close, too tempting a target. If Paris had been a prince of some poor or far off kingdom my husband would have had to fend for himself but since Troy was the target every Greek pirate with a boat wanted a chance to share in the loot.

ARTY> How very humble of you.

HELEN> Hardly. I was a goddess. Did you know that my legend began before Paris and I ran off to Troy? First I was the daughter of Zeus and Leda. Theseus the great Greek super hero abducted me when I was just a girl. I was rescued by my divine brothers Castor and Pollux but only after they had invaded Athens. So you see two wars were fought over me. People worshipped me well into the so called "common era". There was a temple built in my honor in Sparta. More people know of me now than when I was alive. Not even your legendary beauty Marilyn Monroe can make that claim.

ARTY> I understand it was your great beauty that kept your husband Menelaus from killing you when the Greeks eventually took Troy.

HELEN> Yes, Arty. Menelaus took one look at me and raised his sword to kill me. It wasn't till I let my gown fall to the floor that he dropped his sword and let me live. It wasn't my face that disarmed him, it was my naked body. Women have used the power of their bodies since time began. Sometimes it works against them. Men use their physical strength to offset their emotional weakness around females. When Troy was sacked the Greeks killed all the males but took the women captive. Of course they had their way with the women before selling them into slavery. The youngest and prettiest became sex slaves, the rest were put to work as domestics.

It's no wonder that there are men all over the world who are actually frightened of women. In my day it was normal for men to openly worship the female body in the form of Venus, Aphrodite, Ishtar, the list goes on and on. Before that the only deity was The Mother. Today's two major wold religions are both committed to preventing men from being "exploited" because they're so helpless around beautiful women.

ARTY> Tell me, Helen, what those ten years of war were like for you. I mean, did the Trojans blame you for what was happening?

HELEN> At first they were happy to have a goddess living among them. I was a celebrity who chose to live in Troy rather than in my home of Sparta. Really, compared to the bustling metropolis of Troy, Sparta was a run down, backwoods home of low lifes. They lived to fight, not build. There was some civic pride but after it became obvious the Greeks were serious the Trojans blamed "that Greek whore" rather than Paris for the war. The only people who treated me with kindness were Hector and his father King Priam.

ARTY> Well, I certainly want to thank you for stopping to talk to me. You definitely are a very beautiful woman. As a man I must admit I'm curious about…. Oh my. I can see why Menelaus spared you when he saw you with nothing on, as you are now. Thanks again. My goodness!

Give me a second to gather my thoughts. Ahem. Do you have anything to say to modern humans that you've learned through 20/20 hindsite?

HELEN> Yes I do, Arty. First of all, thank you. You made my day. From your reaction to my letting my gown slip off I can tell that I've still got it. To the rest of you I can only say this: "Make love, not war!"

17. An Interview with King Tut

PEACE PIPE 1984 II (1983)

This chopper, like the tank, has the bowl on the bottom.The skids and rotor are brass painted black. The twin cannons in the nose are sterling silver painted black.

AN INTERVIEW WITH KING TUT

ARTY> Well, today I'm thrilled to have the Pharaoh Tutankhamun as a guest. He was only Pharaoh for a few years but he is now the most famous of all the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs. Now, first of all, you're now known as King Tut. How does it feel to be known by millions worldwide as "Tut"?

TUT> Arty! Nice to see you again. You've aged in the last 3,300 years since I died. Being Tut doesn't bother me at all. It's just one more name. I had at least six names while I was on the throne, and that was just in Egypt. I was known by other names in other countries. In our religion we lived as long as someone spoke our names. You could say I'm more alive today than I was back then just based on the number of people who know my name and who I was. Basically, call me anything, but just call me.

ARTY> As you know I like to ask everyone this question: What, with 20/20 hindsite, would you have done differently?

TUT> Boy, that's a tough one. I didn't have much choice about what I did. There were so many traditions to observe, so many rituals that required my time. I may have been Pharaoh but I was practically a prisoner. It was a wonderful life but there was so much required of me that I never woke up in the morning wondering what I was going to do that day.

My first priority was to fix the damage done to the entire nation by my father Akhenaten. He was quite mad you know. He wanted to re make Egypt in his own image and what an image that was. His statues show him the way he actually looked! He outlawed all the gods except Aten, moved the capital and neglected the affairs of state. When I came to the throne the great temples were abandoned and falling into disrepair. The great Sphinx was just a head sticking out of the ground. The royal tombs were looted. It was my life's work to restore Egypt to it's former glory. As it happened I didn't have much time to fix my father's mistakes. I died before I reached adulthood but before that I was able to do much with the help of my advisers.

ARTY> Through some stroke of luck or fate, your tomb was the only tomb in The Valley of Kings that was not looted, giving us 20th century dwellers a glimpse of royal lifestyle from 33 centuries ago, Are you surprised?

TUT> Well, yes I am. My successors did me a favor by trying to discredit my father and his heirs. No one remembers them now but they wanted to erase my father and me from history. Then they dug another tomb near mine and in the course of doing that they covered up the entrance to my tomb with rubble. My tomb and I were soon forgotten.

ARTY> Of course you know that the Egyptian gods were forgotten and lost to the ravages of time about 2000 years ago.

TUT> Ah, yes. Sad really. It was such a magnificent pantheon of deities. We had it all. For over 3000 years ours was the grandest, most opulent religion ever seen on earth. Even in ruins it's still staggering to look at. Imagine what it was like in it's heyday. Unfortunately it was too good to last. A nation cannot put so much of it's resources into temples and tombs just to please deities who don't really exist. As a people the Egyptians just used themselves up on these make work projects that served no economic or security purpose. We were conquered too many times, each new foreign government bringing it's own gods to commingle with ours.

ARTY> Well, I want to thank King Tut for stopping by for a chat. Is there anything you'd like to say to modern man before we say good by?

TUT> Take a tip from us. Being the greatest country in the world is a fleeting thing. It's self defeating, and no nation that has held that position has ever kept it. They have all joined the rest of those former world powers as conquered bits of some other empire which will soon join it's subject nations as has beens. Apparently there is a law of nature at work here.

16.An Interview with Spartacus

St Pauli Girl Hand Held Beer Stein Pipe
meerschaum pipe 1983, 1 oz Sterling Silver Lid. The building shown in this view was copied from the artwork on the cases at that time.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SPARTACUS

ARTY> I'm happy to have that most famous Roman Gladiator, Spartacus join us. Thanks very much. As you know, I ask almost everyone the same first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what would you have done differently?

SPARTACUS> Well, thank you and it's nice to be able to add my two denarris worth to your work. What would I do different? Nothing. I was going to be killed one way or the other. I'd rather be killed fighting for freedom than to entertain people who think that someone else's pain and suffering is entertaining. Everyone who joined me felt the same way. We all knew we were doomed. We just wanted to take as many Romans with us as we could kill.

ARTY> Why?

SPARTACUS> You were there. You know what a Roman slave's life was like. If you went to the arena you saw animals fighting each other and men. You saw people being eaten by animals, common criminals being executed, prisoners of war being set upon each other till there was only one alive. Kind of like a modern demolition derby but with hot blood. It gets worse. During intermissions they would parade a bunch of naked slave girls into the arena where they were forced to mate with stallions and bulls. It was a bloody mess.

That was only on game days. Every day cruelty was just as bad. Do you know what they did if a slave attacked an owner? They killed every slave in that household. I could go on and on. The Romans killed non citizens by crucifixion which was an unattended slow death by torture. Actually, we called it "a Roman Birdfeeder". And they seldom nailed people up. They tied most to the cross 'cause it was cheaper, slower and more painful. The birds would start eating before people died. You couldn't brush them off because your arms were tied. There you were, an offering to the birds, being eaten alive. They'd start with the nice soft bits. First your eyes, then lips, private parts, tongue, cheeks. You couldn't scream without giving the birds more to eat. When the Romans finally defeated us they crucified thousands of us on the road to Rome. It was a forest of bird feeders. I think every bird in Italy came to feast on us. The sky was just black when those birds all took flight at once. I'm sure you could smell us from miles away.

ARTY> And that was preferable to life as a Roman slave. Tell me what life was like for you before you were captured by the Romans.

SPARTACUS> Well, I was born in a country called Thrace. It's closer to Athens than Rome, but it's a world away from both of them. We were tribes people with no cities. What law there was was the blood feud. Any insult, any accident was repaid in blood. Did you know Alexander the Great's first combat as a youngster was in Thrace? He went with a friend to fight in a blood feud. His father Phillip finally subdued "law by the blood feud" when he ascended the throne of Macedon. He imposed Greek law on us. Thracians made up a part of his army, and they went with Alexander to Persia.

Life was cruel, and I was a warrior by profession. We didn't fight for other people's entertainment, though. It was entertaining for us. We were old fashioned head hunters. Warriors would sometimes fight to the death for the best cut of meat at a feast. When the Romans conquered Thrace I was captured and sold to a fight promoter. I soon realized I was better than most.

ARTY> I don't suppose you've seen the movie about you.

SPARTACUS> Yes I have and I've seen that movie GLADIATOR too. Why go to that much trouble to tell only half a story? I'm glad no one had to die to make those movies but, quite frankly, you might as well say nothing than tell the sorts of lies those movies told.

ARTY> How so?

SPARTACUS> Well, it was as basic as life in Rome. I'm full up to here with it. The smells especially. I'm from the country, where you could smell the faintest aroma like the leaves on the ground or the smell of a lake in summer. In Rome, with it's huge population, the people peed into amphora kept by cleaners for washing clothes and they pooped in public latrines which were built over the Tiber River. All the animals in Rome just did it on the ground where it stayed. Add to that the death in the arena and the circus and you've got an overwhelming stench.

Movies don't come with the smells or the details of everyday life in Rome. Dead bodies laying in the streets, the most pathetic looking beggers you can imagine. I have no desire to remember my life in Rome.

ARTY> Then I won't ask you anymore about it. Again, I want to thank you for stopping by today.One last question. Do you have anything you'd like to tell us with 20/20 foresight?

SPARTACUS> Well, from what I've seen America is the new Rome. You have an insatiable appetite for sex and violence. You have to keep pushing your frontiers back to conquer troublesome neighbors. You have done in 200 years what it took the Romans 700 years to do. Look what Rome is today. You're next.

14. An Interview with The Creator

Detail of "DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR"
A meerschaum pipe. The workers are 1/2" (1.3 cm) tall

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CREATOR

ARTY> Well, Yahweh, Thank you for taking time away from your busy schedule to come to 20/20 hindsite to talk about your work in creating this very impressive universe and of course your greatest creation, we humans. It is Yahweh, isn't it?

YAHWEH> Yeah, well, call me God for short. It's easier. Did you know the word "religion" used to mean your life, what you did every day, but it's been separated from that. As for my busy schedule? Don't you know I'm resting? You should too. I built this universe to enjoy it. I'm a process person. I don't create things, I build whole systems and then take pleasure in watching them all work. The real joy comes when something nice happens quite by accident. I was at Earth the other day and I met a Duck Billed Platypus. I loved the little guy and I could never have come up with his species on purpose. Well, maybe if I had a bunch of left over body parts from experimental animals that never made it into production and I threw them together for a joke but he seemed to be doin' OK and it sure was a treat spending a few minutes with 'im.

ARTY> Then you must be thrilled to spend time with a member of that sub species you created in your own image? White skinned Americans?

GOD> Y' know, I spent prob'ly... 10 minutes with that little platypus and I'm more bored with you in two minutes than I was with him in ten. Take a hint. I built a universe where there's fantastic fireworks goin' off ALL the time. I LOVE fireworks! It takes a lot to impress me. To listen to humans bragg about how great they are, well, I've heard it all before. From species you have nothing but contempt for! And I got news for you, they feel the same way about you and they've at least had enough respect for my work to leave it the way they found it. In fact, if ya' gotta know, I put you in charge of the most beautiful planet in the universe but you humans are the Milky Way's WORST, absolutely WORST stewards. And neighbors. God, you're rotten neighbors. Everybody has ta make room for you. And as bad as the species is, you born again Americans are like the people next door who drink and fight and mess with your stuff and you're afraid to speak up 'cuz you know it'll cost you. You know people like that.

ARTY> nods agreement

GOD> Well, they want to say they're being like me but really, they're bein' more like my eldest son. You know the story, I had two sons and they were 180º apart. One wanted to control everything for his own pleasure and one who loved just tending the human beings I had started there in that most beautiful little blue planet. Oh! I lavished so much TLC on that planet. Can't you tell? This was my little get away from the workaday world of creating the systems and processes that drive the universe. The grunt work of creation. I could come here and spend as much time as I wanted planting my best work and watching it develope. I was a molecular physicist working in a microscopic world while at the same time building planets, stars, galaxies. I gotta lotta time and effort in the earth and frankly it's more more than a little irritating to come here and see such widespread destruction.

What I see here is the work of my eldest son, Stan. Well, you add an a but whatever. He's my oldest and he's been nothing but trouble from the beginning. Of course, as a parent I blame myself. The two sons split my traits. My older son took that much of me that made him the control freak who thinks he's better 'n me and has been trying to push me aside ever since forever. I mean, I'm the guy with all the sweat equity in this universe and my eldest thinks he owns it. Did you know he once tried to offer part of it to his brother as a bribe?

ARTY> What about your younger son? Jesus Christ?

GOD> My other son Mike is Mr. Humility. Think about it. He's the son of the creator, could be doin' anything in the universe but he takes an interest in this tiny family of nomadic shepherds that I had a thing with living in a desert on Earth . Long story. By the way, Christ is a title given after the fact. Listen, this guy is so humble that he CHOSE to be born human in a barn in the boondocks of a raggedy little nation that had a special relationship with me. I picked THEM, not the other way round, f'r cryin' out loud.

They proved t' be so fickle that they were trying my patience. Besides, they started out as what, a dozen families and they were down to two or three by the time Herod's temple was finally torn down, also thereby, incidently, destroying all written records of who's really a Jew. Not exactly a stellar record for my chosen people. I blame Stan. He's got a crowd of bad eggs around him that just hafta make trouble. When Mike wanted to relieve a little bit of tension on planet Earth ol' Stan just couldn't stay out of it.

But Number Two Son, Stan's worst enemy (he thinks), said he wanted to fix what was broken with that little dysfunctional family down there in Asia Minor . He said sumpthin' about "Pottery Barn Rules". Frankly, I think he's taken this humility thing a bit far. He can't blame himself for their problems. He volunteered to be their Messiah, knowing all the build up and prophesies he'd hafta fulfill and the kinda death he'd undergo during that time in history. Frankly, I was ready to hand my Chosen People off to someone else.

Course, he has spent real time with 'em and I was only here when I had to get away from the day to day grunt work. I have to admit there are things I coulda' done different but hey, you only create a universe once and frankly the want's n' needs of a fickle few on that otherwise idyllic planet... It's Stan's work packaged as Jesus'.

ARTY> So. You're saying that the battle that rages here on Earth involving your Chosen People is really just the result of a sibling rivalry.

GOD> Well, yes and no. Remember Jesus thought small. Do you remember when he told people to put themselves last? Well, the day came when he had to walk the walk and put himself up for execution by torture to save someone else. Barabbas was the man who walked away because Jesus committed suicide by police that day to free him. So it all came down to puttin' up or shuttin' up. He knew it goin' in, as Michael, before he ever made the transition to Human. Yet he did it anyway. It had to be done that day to save Barabbas and he picked the one way that was sure to do it. He attacked the profiteers in the Temple. I can still picture him summoning all that power with a whip in 'is hand.

Oh, I do like fireworks! That was quite a show! The hated profiteers n' their partners the priestly class got what for that day! That was the only time he ever had a temper tantrum like that, and when he did he picked on the one thing that, as a peasant kid growin' up then an' there, annoyed him most.

But he had to go. He couldn't bust up a racket like that, even though everyone knew it was a scam. I mean, by the time Mike, as Jesus made his move Passover was in full swing. There was a long line to get the required sacrifice at the Temple and it had long been common knowledge that the same animals were sold for sacrifice over and over. The temple currency was undervalued and you had to pay for that required sacrifice at highly inflated rates. "Money changers!" Ha! Nowadays you call the ones with their hands extended, palms up, evangelists. Pharisee means "bookmen". Mike had no time for 'em. Everyone knows that. Mike reminded that tattered little remnant of Solomon's great nation that my relationship with them was a freebie and to be cashing in on it was not just a sin but it really, shall we say, pisses him off. And they do it in my name, no less! No, they're workin' for Stan.

ARTY> Jesus has given up?

GOD> No. He's older and wiser now. That was a joke. He doesn't change. He replaced my casual, on again, off again approach to human herding with a pure hands on, retail compassion as he likes to call it. Since it's no longer possible to prove that someone's a direct descendent of Abraham any more he treats everyone as if they are. He's like the really good officer in the Civil War who moved his men toward the sound of firing. He still thinks small, still feels he has to put up or shut up. Now you can find him in soup kitchens and shelters. For some reason he's bound to help humans, who, if you look at it from a cosmic perspective, are like a virus that has infested my favorite planet with an infection that has already caused a great extinction. I mean, I know that little platypus fellow wasn't much in the pig picture but I liked him. I'd like to know his offspring are still alive next time I stop in for a visit.

I want to say something else about Michael while I'm here. He is what he is because of things that happened eons ago. For him to watch pharisees and eva.... There is a strain of humanity that wraps itself in little bits of him and demands to be paid well for what they received as a gift. Can you imagine him hanging on that cross, every breath an agony, thinking "Boy, this is going to sell a lot of T shirts someday."

ARTY> Well God, I won't take anymore of your time. I want to thank you on behalf of all white Americans for making us your new Chosen People.

GOD> Wait a minute, pal, Your pointy hat must be covering a pointy head. You'll have to schedule another interview to deal with that issue and a few others we haven't even gotten to yet. Meanwhile, I gotta go see a certain platypus.