Evolution/Devolution?

Ruins

Where have all the jobs gone?

I've been a blue collar worker since I got home from Vietnam 40 years ago. I've watched up close as entire industries went off shore. I don't blame management. I sure wouldn't want to pay many of my coworkers for what they think of as work. The American work force has no one to blame but itself for outsourcing.

That said, as a Vietnam vet I watched as our best and brightest gave it all to satisfy a narcissist society bent on proving it could go anywhere, do anything to anyone who didn't toe our line. We've joined that long list of former world powers that burst on the scene like a giant zit only to revert to being a mere scar on the planet. Our ruins (infrastructure) are already dotting the landscape. The one thing we have in common with all those historic world powers is that there is only one place to go but down.

Fame and Infamy

FAME AND INFAMY

Years ago I read that a childhood friend of Lincoln's assassin told of this incident. The perp, the scion of a famous family, told his friends that he wished he could have been the guy who brought down the Collossus of Rhodes.

Later, I learned that an arsonist had destroyed the Temple of Artemis, one of the original seven wonders, in 356 BC. He said he did it because he wanted to be famous.

Later a scion of another famous family hatched a plot to fly airliners into landmarks - because he wanted to be more famous?

The Info age has made 15 minutes of fame an entitlement available to anyone who wants it. There is a fraction of humanity that will always choose to get most bang for their self promo buck the easy way, with violence.

The punishment: We should take a page from the Greeks back in 356 BC. Part of that sentence was a proclamation to erase the perp's name from history, before he was executed. Today we shower perps with what they want most - long before, and continually until - a verdict/sentence is ever achieved.

You'll notice that I never used names. Neither should anyone else, including you. Call it preventive medicine on a social level. You can still talk about them, just generically. "An un-named suspect" would do very nicely, thank you. No pictures, no film at 11, no bestowed infamy. Please.

Corruption and the T party

Delusions of Grandeur in meerschaum
The guy sitting down is the boss's son-in-law.

CORRUPTION AND T PARTY ANIMALS

I'm a Vietnam vet. A naive 22 year old when I got there, I was a believer. My dad served in WWII, Grampa was in WWI, there was even an ancestor killed in the Civil War. It was my turn to go and I let myself be drafted.

They made me a clerk. When I got to Nam I was stationed at Long Binh, a huge base. I never knew the meaning of the word corruption till I got there. It was so bad that when the '68 election came along I couldn't vote for my childhood hero HHH. As VP, if he didn't know how bad it was he should have. I couldn't vote for Tricky Dick either.

Since then it's been one thing after another. Watergate was bad enough. Then Reagan admitted he was selling weapons to the same people he blamed for killing 242 Marines in Beirut. I was aghast. The worst guys I knew in Nam gave aid and comfort to Charlie and the C in C had just admitted to worse. He should have died in prison for that.

When the Iraq war started the civilian subcontractors lined up around the block for the big salaries. They all said they wanted to serve but the military didn't pay enough. I got news for them. Patriotism is a freebie. Millions of Americans have died hideous deaths in service with nothing but chump change in their pockets.

If you're angry about corruption in gummint, where have you been all these years? We have the government we deserve. It is a perfect reflection of the population at large. I've worked with T party types for 40 years. When they're not bad mouthing authority, whether it's government or management, they're trashing everyone else out of ear shot. The three finger rule applies. When they point a finger at someone else they've got three fingers pointed at themselves.

Meanwhile, they spend so much time belly aching and so little time working that their jobs are being outsourced and they have no one to blame but themselves.

Confederate History Month

REMEMBER THIS

In spite of all the spinning to make the confederacy about something else, this is what it was really all about; the legality of one person doing this to another person.

Fame and Infamy

There are four LEDs mounted behind the door. The pipe lights up when it is standing on it's base. There are male plugs in the rear two legs with small electronic components inside the skirt. Power comes from a transformer, etc hidden inside the curio cabinet.

FAME AND INFAMY

Years ago I read that a childhood friend of Lincoln's assassin told of this incident. The perp, the scion of a famous family, told his friends that he wished he could have been the guy who brought down the Collossus of Rhodes.

Later, I learned that an arsonist had destroyed the Temple of Artemis, one of the original seven wonders, in 356 BC. He said he did it because he wanted to be famous.

Later a scion of another famous family hatched a plot to fly airliners into landmarks - because he wanted to be more famous?

The Info age has made 15 minutes of fame an entitlement available to anyone who wants it. There is a fraction of humanity that will always choose to get most bang for their self promo buck the easy way, with violence.

The punishment: We should take a page from the Greeks back in 356 BC. Part of that sentence was a proclamation to erase the perp's name from history, before he was executed. Today we shower perps with what they want most - long before, and continually until - a verdict/sentence is ever achieved.

You'll notice that I never used names. Neither should anyone else, including you. Call it preventive medicine on a social level. You can still talk about them, just generically. "An un-named suspect" would do very nicely, thank you. No pictures, no film at 11, no bestowed infamy. Please.

Cathedral 4/4/10

It's been a couple of weeks. I'm still busy, just doing more than carve. First it's been cold until last week. When it did warm up a little we went to work cleaning out the garage. Now we can see parts of the floor that we haven't seen for years. We're so proud.

What carving I did was a mixed bag. Just after roughing out the Great Wall of China, all three inches of it, I was landscaping around it when an errant chisel blow turned half of it from a mountain into a valley. Oh well, at least I hadn't spent a lot of time on detail yet.

After reroughing the wall I moved on to roughing the cathedral (shown). Next I'm going to rough out a three inch tall carving of me sitting down directly under the cathedral carving away at the base.

3D Blogging

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR In soapstone. Roughly 6" (15 cm) X 6" (15 cm) X 9" (23 cm)

Approximately three months ago I decided that I'd rather carve than write. I had a stroke a year ago tomorrow and writing was good motor skills therapy but I don't really enjoy it very much. I know that finding any Tanzanian Meerschaum to carve was beyond my means so I found some soapstone for sale on line and when it arrived I set up a temporary studio in the dining room.

After about two months of roughing work I thought I might try doing the arches in the Coliseum. Well, I got carried away and realized, too late, that since I've got so much heavy work yet to do around it I was making it too fragile . The finished walls will be less than 1/16" thick. No irreversible damage yet but I've had to completely encase it in candle wax until the rest of DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR is all done. Then I can finish the Coliseum.

But I was encouraged. My stamina is up to about three and a half hours total in two sessions. My right arm is still pretty spastic and wearing a magnifying visor is hard on my neck.

As you can see I've just barely started the Great Wall of China and I haven't even started the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris and the Moai head from Easter Island. I have finished roughing out the Ziggurat and Pyramid. This shot doesn't show the partly roughed out Mayan pyramid temple. In the far corner will be a three inch tall me carving my signature in the base.

An Interview with Cleopatra

DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR A monument pipe depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the monument pipe. meerschaum 1983
This pipe was inspired by an old Firesign Theater bit about a mural depicting the heroic struggle of the little people to finish the mural.

An Interview with Cleopatra

ARTY> Today I'd like to welcome the last, and arguably the most famous Egyptian Pharaoh, Cleopatra the seventh. She was an Egyptian Pharaoh even though she was Greek by blood line. Thanks for stopping by. Before the last century there wouldn't be any doubt that you were most famous Pharaoh. Until King Tut's tomb was discovered the only other widely known Pharaoh was Ramesses the Great of Old Testament infamy.

CLEOPATRA> I'm being casual right now but you should have seen me in my prime. I was accompanied by statesmen, maids in waiting, a body guard of hundreds, lions and leopards, musicians and a mass of male and female slaves, all of them dressed in royal finery. I was the reincarnation of the Goddess Isis and as such I was worshipped throughout much of the Roman Empire. At that time the old Roman pantheon was losing it's appeal. Egyptian and Persian deities, even the Judean God were gaining stature as so called mystery cults.

ARTY> As you know, I like to ask my guests what they would have done differently given 20/20 hindsite.

CLEOPATRA> Well, Arty, my life was in danger from early childhood. I had brothers and sisters who were in line to be rulers of Egypt and that was such a great prize it was worth killing for. Naturally my brothers were more likely than me to gain the throne so the court tended to align itself with one of them. Add to that the ambitions of Julius Caesar and I had to choose wisely who I allied myself with and how I did it. Egypt was not strong enough to keep the Romans at bay so I needed to have a friend among them. From what my spies told me Julius was the man. His sexual appetites made it easy.

When he was killed I chose to ally myself with his favorite general Mark Anthony. That was a mistake but it was not mine. Even with all my spies, soothsayers and astrologers I had no way of knowing then that Anthony's ally Octavian would turn on him and eventually prevail. Octavian was just a boy and I had never met him.

What would I have done differently? I made the same choice as Alexander. He chose glory over long life too. It was a good life while it lasted. The fact that you know of me 2000 years after my death is proof that I made a good choice.

ARTY> You've got a reputation as a voluptuary yet if that was all there was to you it hardly seems your legend would have lasted this long.

CLEOPATRA> Well, like many women I knew how to use my body to get what I wanted. Men are so easily manipulated that way. But I was different from other bimbos like Helen of Troy. I was seductive and educated. Do you know I was the first of the Greek Pharaohs to actually speak Egyptian? I was also the first of the Greek Pharaohs to worship the Egyptian gods. In addition, there is the little known fact that it was my own personal astronomer Sosigenes who first thought of adding a leap year and an extra leap day to keep the new Julian calendar accurate. Your modern calendar pays homage to the old Roman gods and emperors, but it was my influence that introduced the leap year. Not bad for an ancient voluptuary's astronomer, wouldn't you say?

ARTY> Yes, it's pretty obvious there is more to you than meets the eye, which is a lot. Any words of warning to modern mankind?

CLEOPATRA> Let's see now. You're asking the last Pharaoh of a 3000 year old civilization what modern humanity should avoid. I don't see how you can avoid being human. It's what we are. We're ruled by our most primitive urges and no philosophy is stronger than they are. Both Julius and Mark were weaker than their sex drives and it was held against both of them.

18. An Interview with Helen of Troy

THE ST PAULI GIRL HAND HELD BEER STEIN PIPE meerschaum 1983

This pipe has a 1 oz Sterling Silver lid. The girl was taken from the label on the bottle in the early '80s before she was replaced with a more modern girl. The things sticking out of her apron are white radishes, finger food for 19th century German beer drinkers. I drank my model one per hour for the 100 hours it took to make. 6" (15.2 cm) long


AN INTERVIEW WITH HELEN OF TROY

ARTY> Today I'm proud to interview the ultimate legendary beauty, "The face that launched a thousand ships", Helen of Troy. Thank you for stopping by, Helen. You know my first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what, if anything, would you do different?

HELEN> Nice to see you too, Arty. Well, I certainly wouldn't have fallen for that slick Trojan Paris, no matter how pretty he was. It's just that he was so young and good looking compared to my husband Menelaus. I had been "awarded" to Menelaus for political reasons. I wouldn't have chosen him for his looks. He wasn't ugly, he was just badly scarred from the many wounds he had sustained in battle. When Paris came along, with his smooth skin and even smoother words, I fell for him.

ARTY> Did you think your actions would lead to a ten year war and the destruction of one of the most powerful cities of the era in an epic that resounds even to this day?

HELEN> Well, at the time I didn't realize that my suitors had all sworn an oath to fight anyone who didn't respect Menelaus' and my marriage. That's why it was so easy for my husband to raise an army to fight attack Troy. Actually, in retrospect, the Greeks had been looking for an excuse to attack Troy for quite a while. It was just too rich, too close, too tempting a target. If Paris had been a prince of some poor or far off kingdom my husband would have had to fend for himself but since Troy was the target every Greek pirate with a boat wanted a chance to share in the loot.

ARTY> How very humble of you.

HELEN> Hardly. I was a goddess. Did you know that my legend began before Paris and I ran off to Troy? First I was the daughter of Zeus and Leda. Theseus the great Greek super hero abducted me when I was just a girl. I was rescued by my divine brothers Castor and Pollux but only after they had invaded Athens. So you see two wars were fought over me. People worshipped me well into the so called "common era". There was a temple built in my honor in Sparta. More people know of me now than when I was alive. Not even your legendary beauty Marilyn Monroe can make that claim.

ARTY> I understand it was your great beauty that kept your husband Menelaus from killing you when the Greeks eventually took Troy.

HELEN> Yes, Arty. Menelaus took one look at me and raised his sword to kill me. It wasn't till I let my gown fall to the floor that he dropped his sword and let me live. It wasn't my face that disarmed him, it was my naked body. Women have used the power of their bodies since time began. Sometimes it works against them. Men use their physical strength to offset their emotional weakness around females. When Troy was sacked the Greeks killed all the males but took the women captive. Of course they had their way with the women before selling them into slavery. The youngest and prettiest became sex slaves, the rest were put to work as domestics.

It's no wonder that there are men all over the world who are actually frightened of women. In my day it was normal for men to openly worship the female body in the form of Venus, Aphrodite, Ishtar, the list goes on and on. Before that the only deity was The Mother. Today's two major wold religions are both committed to preventing men from being "exploited" because they're so helpless around beautiful women.

ARTY> Tell me, Helen, what those ten years of war were like for you. I mean, did the Trojans blame you for what was happening?

HELEN> At first they were happy to have a goddess living among them. I was a celebrity who chose to live in Troy rather than in my home of Sparta. Really, compared to the bustling metropolis of Troy, Sparta was a run down, backwoods home of low lifes. They lived to fight, not build. There was some civic pride but after it became obvious the Greeks were serious the Trojans blamed "that Greek whore" rather than Paris for the war. The only people who treated me with kindness were Hector and his father King Priam.

ARTY> Well, I certainly want to thank you for stopping to talk to me. You definitely are a very beautiful woman. As a man I must admit I'm curious about…. Oh my. I can see why Menelaus spared you when he saw you with nothing on, as you are now. Thanks again. My goodness!

Give me a second to gather my thoughts. Ahem. Do you have anything to say to modern humans that you've learned through 20/20 hindsite?

HELEN> Yes I do, Arty. First of all, thank you. You made my day. From your reaction to my letting my gown slip off I can tell that I've still got it. To the rest of you I can only say this: "Make love, not war!"

17. An Interview with King Tut

PEACE PIPE 1984 II (1983)

This chopper, like the tank, has the bowl on the bottom.The skids and rotor are brass painted black. The twin cannons in the nose are sterling silver painted black.

AN INTERVIEW WITH KING TUT

ARTY> Well, today I'm thrilled to have the Pharaoh Tutankhamun as a guest. He was only Pharaoh for a few years but he is now the most famous of all the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs. Now, first of all, you're now known as King Tut. How does it feel to be known by millions worldwide as "Tut"?

TUT> Arty! Nice to see you again. You've aged in the last 3,300 years since I died. Being Tut doesn't bother me at all. It's just one more name. I had at least six names while I was on the throne, and that was just in Egypt. I was known by other names in other countries. In our religion we lived as long as someone spoke our names. You could say I'm more alive today than I was back then just based on the number of people who know my name and who I was. Basically, call me anything, but just call me.

ARTY> As you know I like to ask everyone this question: What, with 20/20 hindsite, would you have done differently?

TUT> Boy, that's a tough one. I didn't have much choice about what I did. There were so many traditions to observe, so many rituals that required my time. I may have been Pharaoh but I was practically a prisoner. It was a wonderful life but there was so much required of me that I never woke up in the morning wondering what I was going to do that day.

My first priority was to fix the damage done to the entire nation by my father Akhenaten. He was quite mad you know. He wanted to re make Egypt in his own image and what an image that was. His statues show him the way he actually looked! He outlawed all the gods except Aten, moved the capital and neglected the affairs of state. When I came to the throne the great temples were abandoned and falling into disrepair. The great Sphinx was just a head sticking out of the ground. The royal tombs were looted. It was my life's work to restore Egypt to it's former glory. As it happened I didn't have much time to fix my father's mistakes. I died before I reached adulthood but before that I was able to do much with the help of my advisers.

ARTY> Through some stroke of luck or fate, your tomb was the only tomb in The Valley of Kings that was not looted, giving us 20th century dwellers a glimpse of royal lifestyle from 33 centuries ago, Are you surprised?

TUT> Well, yes I am. My successors did me a favor by trying to discredit my father and his heirs. No one remembers them now but they wanted to erase my father and me from history. Then they dug another tomb near mine and in the course of doing that they covered up the entrance to my tomb with rubble. My tomb and I were soon forgotten.

ARTY> Of course you know that the Egyptian gods were forgotten and lost to the ravages of time about 2000 years ago.

TUT> Ah, yes. Sad really. It was such a magnificent pantheon of deities. We had it all. For over 3000 years ours was the grandest, most opulent religion ever seen on earth. Even in ruins it's still staggering to look at. Imagine what it was like in it's heyday. Unfortunately it was too good to last. A nation cannot put so much of it's resources into temples and tombs just to please deities who don't really exist. As a people the Egyptians just used themselves up on these make work projects that served no economic or security purpose. We were conquered too many times, each new foreign government bringing it's own gods to commingle with ours.

ARTY> Well, I want to thank King Tut for stopping by for a chat. Is there anything you'd like to say to modern man before we say good by?

TUT> Take a tip from us. Being the greatest country in the world is a fleeting thing. It's self defeating, and no nation that has held that position has ever kept it. They have all joined the rest of those former world powers as conquered bits of some other empire which will soon join it's subject nations as has beens. Apparently there is a law of nature at work here.

16.An Interview with Spartacus

St Pauli Girl Hand Held Beer Stein Pipe
meerschaum pipe 1983, 1 oz Sterling Silver Lid. The building shown in this view was copied from the artwork on the cases at that time.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SPARTACUS

ARTY> I'm happy to have that most famous Roman Gladiator, Spartacus join us. Thanks very much. As you know, I ask almost everyone the same first question. Given the luxury of 20/20 hindsite, what would you have done differently?

SPARTACUS> Well, thank you and it's nice to be able to add my two denarris worth to your work. What would I do different? Nothing. I was going to be killed one way or the other. I'd rather be killed fighting for freedom than to entertain people who think that someone else's pain and suffering is entertaining. Everyone who joined me felt the same way. We all knew we were doomed. We just wanted to take as many Romans with us as we could kill.

ARTY> Why?

SPARTACUS> You were there. You know what a Roman slave's life was like. If you went to the arena you saw animals fighting each other and men. You saw people being eaten by animals, common criminals being executed, prisoners of war being set upon each other till there was only one alive. Kind of like a modern demolition derby but with hot blood. It gets worse. During intermissions they would parade a bunch of naked slave girls into the arena where they were forced to mate with stallions and bulls. It was a bloody mess.

That was only on game days. Every day cruelty was just as bad. Do you know what they did if a slave attacked an owner? They killed every slave in that household. I could go on and on. The Romans killed non citizens by crucifixion which was an unattended slow death by torture. Actually, we called it "a Roman Birdfeeder". And they seldom nailed people up. They tied most to the cross 'cause it was cheaper, slower and more painful. The birds would start eating before people died. You couldn't brush them off because your arms were tied. There you were, an offering to the birds, being eaten alive. They'd start with the nice soft bits. First your eyes, then lips, private parts, tongue, cheeks. You couldn't scream without giving the birds more to eat. When the Romans finally defeated us they crucified thousands of us on the road to Rome. It was a forest of bird feeders. I think every bird in Italy came to feast on us. The sky was just black when those birds all took flight at once. I'm sure you could smell us from miles away.

ARTY> And that was preferable to life as a Roman slave. Tell me what life was like for you before you were captured by the Romans.

SPARTACUS> Well, I was born in a country called Thrace. It's closer to Athens than Rome, but it's a world away from both of them. We were tribes people with no cities. What law there was was the blood feud. Any insult, any accident was repaid in blood. Did you know Alexander the Great's first combat as a youngster was in Thrace? He went with a friend to fight in a blood feud. His father Phillip finally subdued "law by the blood feud" when he ascended the throne of Macedon. He imposed Greek law on us. Thracians made up a part of his army, and they went with Alexander to Persia.

Life was cruel, and I was a warrior by profession. We didn't fight for other people's entertainment, though. It was entertaining for us. We were old fashioned head hunters. Warriors would sometimes fight to the death for the best cut of meat at a feast. When the Romans conquered Thrace I was captured and sold to a fight promoter. I soon realized I was better than most.

ARTY> I don't suppose you've seen the movie about you.

SPARTACUS> Yes I have and I've seen that movie GLADIATOR too. Why go to that much trouble to tell only half a story? I'm glad no one had to die to make those movies but, quite frankly, you might as well say nothing than tell the sorts of lies those movies told.

ARTY> How so?

SPARTACUS> Well, it was as basic as life in Rome. I'm full up to here with it. The smells especially. I'm from the country, where you could smell the faintest aroma like the leaves on the ground or the smell of a lake in summer. In Rome, with it's huge population, the people peed into amphora kept by cleaners for washing clothes and they pooped in public latrines which were built over the Tiber River. All the animals in Rome just did it on the ground where it stayed. Add to that the death in the arena and the circus and you've got an overwhelming stench.

Movies don't come with the smells or the details of everyday life in Rome. Dead bodies laying in the streets, the most pathetic looking beggers you can imagine. I have no desire to remember my life in Rome.

ARTY> Then I won't ask you anymore about it. Again, I want to thank you for stopping by today.One last question. Do you have anything you'd like to tell us with 20/20 foresight?

SPARTACUS> Well, from what I've seen America is the new Rome. You have an insatiable appetite for sex and violence. You have to keep pushing your frontiers back to conquer troublesome neighbors. You have done in 200 years what it took the Romans 700 years to do. Look what Rome is today. You're next.

14. An Interview with The Creator

Detail of "DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR"
A meerschaum pipe. The workers are 1/2" (1.3 cm) tall

AN INTERVIEW WITH THE CREATOR

ARTY> Well, Yahweh, Thank you for taking time away from your busy schedule to come to 20/20 hindsite to talk about your work in creating this very impressive universe and of course your greatest creation, we humans. It is Yahweh, isn't it?

YAHWEH> Yeah, well, call me God for short. It's easier. Did you know the word "religion" used to mean your life, what you did every day, but it's been separated from that. As for my busy schedule? Don't you know I'm resting? You should too. I built this universe to enjoy it. I'm a process person. I don't create things, I build whole systems and then take pleasure in watching them all work. The real joy comes when something nice happens quite by accident. I was at Earth the other day and I met a Duck Billed Platypus. I loved the little guy and I could never have come up with his species on purpose. Well, maybe if I had a bunch of left over body parts from experimental animals that never made it into production and I threw them together for a joke but he seemed to be doin' OK and it sure was a treat spending a few minutes with 'im.

ARTY> Then you must be thrilled to spend time with a member of that sub species you created in your own image? White skinned Americans?

GOD> Y' know, I spent prob'ly... 10 minutes with that little platypus and I'm more bored with you in two minutes than I was with him in ten. Take a hint. I built a universe where there's fantastic fireworks goin' off ALL the time. I LOVE fireworks! It takes a lot to impress me. To listen to humans bragg about how great they are, well, I've heard it all before. From species you have nothing but contempt for! And I got news for you, they feel the same way about you and they've at least had enough respect for my work to leave it the way they found it. In fact, if ya' gotta know, I put you in charge of the most beautiful planet in the universe but you humans are the Milky Way's WORST, absolutely WORST stewards. And neighbors. God, you're rotten neighbors. Everybody has ta make room for you. And as bad as the species is, you born again Americans are like the people next door who drink and fight and mess with your stuff and you're afraid to speak up 'cuz you know it'll cost you. You know people like that.

ARTY> nods agreement

GOD> Well, they want to say they're being like me but really, they're bein' more like my eldest son. You know the story, I had two sons and they were 180º apart. One wanted to control everything for his own pleasure and one who loved just tending the human beings I had started there in that most beautiful little blue planet. Oh! I lavished so much TLC on that planet. Can't you tell? This was my little get away from the workaday world of creating the systems and processes that drive the universe. The grunt work of creation. I could come here and spend as much time as I wanted planting my best work and watching it develope. I was a molecular physicist working in a microscopic world while at the same time building planets, stars, galaxies. I gotta lotta time and effort in the earth and frankly it's more more than a little irritating to come here and see such widespread destruction.

What I see here is the work of my eldest son, Stan. Well, you add an a but whatever. He's my oldest and he's been nothing but trouble from the beginning. Of course, as a parent I blame myself. The two sons split my traits. My older son took that much of me that made him the control freak who thinks he's better 'n me and has been trying to push me aside ever since forever. I mean, I'm the guy with all the sweat equity in this universe and my eldest thinks he owns it. Did you know he once tried to offer part of it to his brother as a bribe?

ARTY> What about your younger son? Jesus Christ?

GOD> My other son Mike is Mr. Humility. Think about it. He's the son of the creator, could be doin' anything in the universe but he takes an interest in this tiny family of nomadic shepherds that I had a thing with living in a desert on Earth . Long story. By the way, Christ is a title given after the fact. Listen, this guy is so humble that he CHOSE to be born human in a barn in the boondocks of a raggedy little nation that had a special relationship with me. I picked THEM, not the other way round, f'r cryin' out loud.

They proved t' be so fickle that they were trying my patience. Besides, they started out as what, a dozen families and they were down to two or three by the time Herod's temple was finally torn down, also thereby, incidently, destroying all written records of who's really a Jew. Not exactly a stellar record for my chosen people. I blame Stan. He's got a crowd of bad eggs around him that just hafta make trouble. When Mike wanted to relieve a little bit of tension on planet Earth ol' Stan just couldn't stay out of it.

But Number Two Son, Stan's worst enemy (he thinks), said he wanted to fix what was broken with that little dysfunctional family down there in Asia Minor . He said sumpthin' about "Pottery Barn Rules". Frankly, I think he's taken this humility thing a bit far. He can't blame himself for their problems. He volunteered to be their Messiah, knowing all the build up and prophesies he'd hafta fulfill and the kinda death he'd undergo during that time in history. Frankly, I was ready to hand my Chosen People off to someone else.

Course, he has spent real time with 'em and I was only here when I had to get away from the day to day grunt work. I have to admit there are things I coulda' done different but hey, you only create a universe once and frankly the want's n' needs of a fickle few on that otherwise idyllic planet... It's Stan's work packaged as Jesus'.

ARTY> So. You're saying that the battle that rages here on Earth involving your Chosen People is really just the result of a sibling rivalry.

GOD> Well, yes and no. Remember Jesus thought small. Do you remember when he told people to put themselves last? Well, the day came when he had to walk the walk and put himself up for execution by torture to save someone else. Barabbas was the man who walked away because Jesus committed suicide by police that day to free him. So it all came down to puttin' up or shuttin' up. He knew it goin' in, as Michael, before he ever made the transition to Human. Yet he did it anyway. It had to be done that day to save Barabbas and he picked the one way that was sure to do it. He attacked the profiteers in the Temple. I can still picture him summoning all that power with a whip in 'is hand.

Oh, I do like fireworks! That was quite a show! The hated profiteers n' their partners the priestly class got what for that day! That was the only time he ever had a temper tantrum like that, and when he did he picked on the one thing that, as a peasant kid growin' up then an' there, annoyed him most.

But he had to go. He couldn't bust up a racket like that, even though everyone knew it was a scam. I mean, by the time Mike, as Jesus made his move Passover was in full swing. There was a long line to get the required sacrifice at the Temple and it had long been common knowledge that the same animals were sold for sacrifice over and over. The temple currency was undervalued and you had to pay for that required sacrifice at highly inflated rates. "Money changers!" Ha! Nowadays you call the ones with their hands extended, palms up, evangelists. Pharisee means "bookmen". Mike had no time for 'em. Everyone knows that. Mike reminded that tattered little remnant of Solomon's great nation that my relationship with them was a freebie and to be cashing in on it was not just a sin but it really, shall we say, pisses him off. And they do it in my name, no less! No, they're workin' for Stan.

ARTY> Jesus has given up?

GOD> No. He's older and wiser now. That was a joke. He doesn't change. He replaced my casual, on again, off again approach to human herding with a pure hands on, retail compassion as he likes to call it. Since it's no longer possible to prove that someone's a direct descendent of Abraham any more he treats everyone as if they are. He's like the really good officer in the Civil War who moved his men toward the sound of firing. He still thinks small, still feels he has to put up or shut up. Now you can find him in soup kitchens and shelters. For some reason he's bound to help humans, who, if you look at it from a cosmic perspective, are like a virus that has infested my favorite planet with an infection that has already caused a great extinction. I mean, I know that little platypus fellow wasn't much in the pig picture but I liked him. I'd like to know his offspring are still alive next time I stop in for a visit.

I want to say something else about Michael while I'm here. He is what he is because of things that happened eons ago. For him to watch pharisees and eva.... There is a strain of humanity that wraps itself in little bits of him and demands to be paid well for what they received as a gift. Can you imagine him hanging on that cross, every breath an agony, thinking "Boy, this is going to sell a lot of T shirts someday."

ARTY> Well God, I won't take anymore of your time. I want to thank you on behalf of all white Americans for making us your new Chosen People.

GOD> Wait a minute, pal, Your pointy hat must be covering a pointy head. You'll have to schedule another interview to deal with that issue and a few others we haven't even gotten to yet. Meanwhile, I gotta go see a certain platypus.

13. The Stan Laurel Memorial Fist Pipe

THE STAN LAUREL MEMORIAL FIST PIPE meerschaum pipe circa 1980
As a kid my Saturday AM routine was always the same. Breakfast, housekeeping chores, cartoons till eleven followed by an hour of Laurel and Hardy. My dad had watched them in the movie theaters as part of the Saturday matinees they had back in the '30s when he was a kid. The older I got the more aware I was of the craftsmanship that went into their movies, plus they had Stan's connection to the old English music hall traditions and material that produced Charlie Chaplin.

He did a sight gag where he made a fist, packed it with tobacco and smoked it through his thumb. This pipe is an homage to that bit.

12. Corncob Pipe

CORNCOB PIPE meerschaum circa 1978
This is the first of two corncob pipes. The second was for an Iowa corn farmer. That one was a stand alone bent stem with no color added, like the fist pipe. The corn kernels on that one were real gold leafed.

11. A Delicious Red Herring In Whine Sauce

POT BELLIED STOVE PIPE meerschaum pipe early '80s
4 oz of Sterling Silver decoration. The onion dome swings to one side revealing the bowl. There is isinglass behind the door.
See Stove Pipe 2 to see what's behind that.

A DELICIOUS RED HERRING IN WHINE SAUCE

Humans are connected much the same way that flocks of birds or sheep are. It's called the herd instinct. Drive the speed limit on any out state freeway and you will be passed by packs of cars that are themselves changing places within the pack. The real speed merchants will finally make their way to the front of the pack where they will wrench themselves loose to fly free until they catch up with another pack when they will have to start the passing process again.

Human herding occurs at every level from the couple to the species. Humans want to be part of something bigger than they are. We take pride in our associations, our membership in a group even if it is something as basic as skin color or as exclusive as membership in a private country club. We need a reason to look down on someone else.

Herding is not second nature. It's first nature. We delude ourselves into thinking we're all different. They say there are no two snowflakes alike, but they're all still snowflakes. All humans are different but we're still all human.

Historically the human response to local over population has been to move somewhere else. A famous example involves the Galatians of New Testament fame. They were named for a migrating band of Celtic Gauls that had settled there after leaving what is now France. Another Tribe of migrating Celts from what is now Switzerland became famous for a different reason. Julius Caesar had his army slaughter the whole 12,000 member tribe as they were trying to find new land. For years afterward the land where the massacre happened grew bumper crops.

Another response is abortion. It is a species reaction to swarming. We're living stacked up on each other. We feel the pressure as individuals. When my father was in his sixties his older sister was dying of cancer. During one of their visits she told him something he had never known before.

When his mother was pregnant with him his folks already had three kids. It was 1921, they were dirt poor living on a farm in northern Minnesota. One of their neighbors encouraged her to ride the train down to Minneapolis and go to a particular Doctor who would do an abortion. So she rode the three hours to Minneapolis, took a taxi to the Doctor's office and sat down to wait for the doc. Sometime before her name was called she changed her mind.

She chose.

It seems to me that those who remove the choice are trying to impress God with their ardent belief. Why is it so imperative to get into heaven by pointing at someone else and telling God "See, they're worse than me. Here, I'll change their behavior for you." The implication is that these people believe they have nothing to improve on before God. They can concentrate on herding everyone else toward the same sort of spirituality they have.

They're trying to regulate something basic. It's one of the big four. There's eating, sleeping, eliminating and procreating. Try regulating any of the other three. Thou shalt not sleep past 6:30 AM.

Pointing fingers is a two way street. Anyone who thinks my sex life is their business is insisting that their sex life is my business. Yech! The only porn I really enjoy has the wife and me starring in it.

There was an interesting study back in the '80s. They interviewed women who had abortions in Boston and found that a majority were Catholic. When asked why they all said the same thing. You only have to confess it once. With birth control you have to confess it constantly.

Another study from about the same time was about morality in New England before 1776. They went to all the churches from that era, cross referenced wedding dates with first born birth dates and voila! Fully one third of all first born were conceived out of wedlock. And if you do the math, since everyone who did it didn't get caught, there was prob'ly one half to two thirds doin' it pre nuptually there in the Puritan New England of Hester Prynne and dead witches.

Sometime in that time period the Supreme Court made an actual study of porn by watching it. Nine dignified men watched porn, at taxpayer's expense, and they came to this conclusion: it's boring.

One more funny little thing from the same era, during the time Ronald Reagan said Jim and Tammy Bakker were the future of Christianity in America. There was a televangelist convention in Las Vegas and afterward an enterprising reporter visited the hotels during the graveyard shift and talked the night clerks into letting him see their bills. 75% had paid for porn.

We used to have relatives in the deep south, the so called Bible Belt. We've driven around a lot down there and were always amazed by the ubiquity of porn shops down there. Farmers put a parking lot and a Butler building in the corner of a corn field for some steady cash flow. Every gas station sells the stuff and it's right there at eye level when you walk in. And it's not just the soft porn PLAYBOY and PENTHOUSE stuff either. Whenever a gas station goes out of business the default replacement is a porn shop. Consider the Supreme Court ruling that porn is "boring". Judging by the cars at those cornfield porn shops 24/7 it's less boring than a hands on sex life for a lot of Bible Belters, of whom 75% claim to be born again.

I was struck by the fact that during the Clinton travails the 5 o'clock news was X rated. What he did was done in private and it's no worse than the other 50% of Americans who cheat on their spouses, Some do, some don't. But to subject the rest of the world to our dirty laundry with "film at 11" coverage was a GOP version of group sex.

I must admit that the female of the human species is the most beautiful thing on earth to me, but there is a time and place for everything. The road from Atlanta to Walt Disney World really shouldn't be one long sex shopping mall.

10. Corkscrew Wild Wand

THE CORKSCREW WILD WAND (2008)
My magic wands are not turned on a lathe. They have never known the tyranny of symmetry. They're more difficult to control but they are more powerful than the turned wands. Only master sorcerers should attempt to use a wild wand. Made from two pieces of Sumac root.

9. An Interview With Alexander the Great

PEACE PIPE 1984 I

The year 1984 of Orwellian infamy was fast approaching, the Reagan military buildup was underway and I felt I had to say something. The result was a tank and a gunship. In this pipe stand the bricks are made from left over small chunks of meerschaum. The spent artillery shells are .22 caliber shell casings. The powder from them was used to scorch the wall. Inside the house is the charred remains of a doll house needlepoint saying "...e Sweet Home". Tank is 6" (15 cm) long. Bowl is on the bottom. circa 1982

The $ insignia is a price tag. No matter how you slice it, they're expensive toys.

AN INTERVIEW WITH ALEXANDER THE GREAT

ARTY> Much has been recorded about you. You're one of best known humans who ever lived. Even your horse Oxhead is still famous. Given the luxury of hindsite what would you do different?

ALEX> I'd have waited till fifty years ago to be born and I'da gone into banking. No armies to feed.

No really, I just wanted it all. Not just wealth and power and glory but knowledge. I grew up in a time and place, well, back up a little. My father Phillip was Greek at heart but not by birth so he figured that he had to be more Greek than the Greeks. He got me a Greek philosopher to tutor me and I grew up with dad's Macedonian army of the best shock troops on the planet at that time. He was about use it to avenge wrongs done to Greeks by Persians. Go figger.

But you are what you are. Mom told me I was the son of Zeus and if you knew her like I knew her you'd believe her. She could really make dad crazy. They were married for political reasons but I believe that for a while he really wanted her. She reminds me of Medea. (Google her) In mom's religion the women tore animals and sometimes humans apart with their bare hands and ate them raw. I'm sure she thought she was a supreme seductress. When I see her now in my memory's eye as a woman in her prime she was one smokin, hot bitch. And dangerous. As dangerous in her way as dad was in his. But dad just refused to give in to her brand of religion. He was a Greek wannabe from Macedon just like Hitler was a German wannabe from Austria.

ARTY> Much has been made of your bisexuality. You're so famous that even your lovers are still well known.

ALEX> Hey, sex is sex. I had sex with people. There were times, especially right after a battle or a good hunt when your right hand man saved your life, that you want to reward him or visa versa. You're nowhere near home, maybe with little to eat or drink and you want to give your very best friend at that moment a little pleasure out there under the stars. Any warrior culture is very homocentric.

But I remember Roxanne. Oooh. What lines. Beautiful undulating lines. She was as bad as my mom in her own way but she was no threat to anyone but the slaves. She surely could purr like one of those wildly exotic Egyptian cats even though she was no Cleopatra - my sister or the Pharoah. My mom on the other hand may have had a mother's love for me but I was also just a male. Remember, we were just coming out of a long era of prehistory when THE deity was a female. Woman were superior because they made babies. In the old days a nation killed a man every spring so his body could be used to fertilize the earth. What an orgasm! My mom was old school.

ARTY> You had a special regard for The Goddess.

ALEX> The day I was born in Macedon somebody burned down the temple of Artemis in Ephesus, which is now Turkey. At the time it was one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. It was certainly one of the biggest temples, probably because Artemis was so primeval and her fertility rites were so much fun. When me 'n the boys crossed over into Asia Minor, we visited the ruin and I pledged to restore it to it's former glory.

This is too good a story to not tell it. The temple was torched by a guy who wanted to get caught. When brought before the authorities he said he wanted to be famous. So before he was executed he was told that part of his sentence was the striking of his name from all records. Justice was served. 'Course, some real miscreant did record his name but not before he died, so the effect was achieved. For myself, I refuse to know the man's name even though I have heard it.

ARTY> So tell me where you fit in pantheon of Greek Mythology.

ALEX> Oh, super hero for sure. I used to carry Homer's books like you modern Americans carry the Bible. For show. Why read something when you've got the good bits memorized? I like them all. Achilles, Hercules, Ullysses, they all had different powers that I wanted to achieve. For a while I thought I was a God like the upper crust on Mount Olympus but I died. It wasn't fair. I was still in my prime, but too many people wanted me dead. There were just too many wagon trains loaded with treasure headed in MY direction.

But then again, I made the same choice as my biggest hero, Achilles. He chose glory over long life and so did I. 'Course, I always thought I'd be killed in battle. You saw how many charges I led. To die in bed was such an anticlimax. I wanted to be surrounded with the bodies of all my friends who had died defending ME. I wanted them to be surrounded by mountains of screaming, moaning, dying enemy soldiers, royalty among them. Oh, that would have been awesome! But I just wasted away and died in bed with my beautiful boy friend Bagoas at my side. Took days. Could have been disease or poison. Bagoas, who came of age in the Persian royal household, thought it was the latter.

ARTY> You made a statement earlier that if you had been born 50 years ago you'd have gone into banking. Care to elaborate?

ALEX> Well, sure. I had to do this world domination thing retail. Kill, kill, kill. One person at a time, one kingdom at a time, marching, marching always marching. If I'd been born 50 years ago I could have done it all from a comfy desk chair and gone adventuring as a hobby. Lot less messy. I lost too many old friends doing it the old fashioned way. Not just that, but my life's work killed me one wound at a time. I used myself up. I hurt for so much of my everyday life. It was worth it at the time though. You don't know the Joy of Battle if you haven't done it the way we did, face to face, one on one. If you want a vicarious look at it, the LORD OF THE RINGS battle scenes portray it the way it was very well minus the fountains of blood gushing from all those fallen. Desperate times call for splendid heroics. That was my specialty. I wrote the book on splendid heroics. I did it for real. It was my job. No stunt men, no digital manipulation, just hand to hand combat till you were just bathed in hot blood.

You got to know your enemy by the way he fought you. There were many that I admired for their bravery or skill but they still had to die. 'Course the best way to make a true friend is to fight them to a draw and then throw your arms around them and laugh and party with them the way Theseus did. (Google him)

ARTY> Well, you've told 20/20 hindsite what you would do to build an global empire today but that hardly sounds like the general who led men into battle. I want to thank you for stopping by today. One last question for the road. Who, today, do you see as best representing that Homeric ideal?

ALEX> Oh, hand's down, no question Professional Wrestlers. We used to do it before battle too, strutting, preening and shouting just like they do today. The difference is today's fighters come out of the same dressing room, have it out in the ring and afterward return to the same dressing room and they do this like a job. Looks like fun but it's just not world domination. 'Course, in my day and age everyone acted the way pro wrasslers do now, except for peasants who did it behind my back I'm sure. Styles change. Now we don't all shout about how many people we've killed. Do you know how old I was when I killed my first man in combat? 14. Now 14 year old boys conquer the universe every day on TV.

8. An Interview with Mother Bickerdyke

DRIFTWOOD (circa 1985) a meerschaum pipe for David Welty who is a gold and platinum smith making fabulous jewelry in Hawaii now. While he was still living in Minnesota he cast all my precious metal pipe parts, and took all the photos. I asked him what he wanted in payment and he said a pipe he could smoke every day.

In the branch there is a hole and when you look inside you'll see a little bird's nest built of gold wire with two tiny jade colored eggs in it.

AN INTERVIEW WITH MOTHER BICKERDYKE

ARTY> Well, It's my pleasure to welcome Mary Ann "Mother" Bickerdyke, legendary Civil War volunteer nurse who followed General Sherman's army as it fought it's way through the South. Knowing you as I do, I'm not going to ask what you'd do different. I know better. How are you? May I call you Mother?

MOTHER> Are you a veteran?

ARTY> Since about 4,980 years ago.

MOTHER> Then you can call me Mom, honey. Thanks for having me. It's nice to see you again. What's it been? 150 years or so?

ARTY> About that. Say, you were quite a character during the Civil War. Is it really true that General Sherman said that you outranked him?

MOM> Well first of all, I want to answer the question you didn't ask. I've had a long time to think about this and I think that whole fight could have been avoided. Look at how things developed later, like how Charles Lindburg flew the Atlantic to win a big prize. If we had raised a prize for the first machine that could pick a thousand acres of cotton as well as slaves and cheaper, then the slave owners would be granting manumissions so fast, and so happily, that we would not have the race hatred we have now.

ARTY> Interesting. there were slaves for a long time in places that don't grow cotton. Why link slavery to cotton picking?

MOM> Because there wasn't much point in growing a lot of cotton because it used to take so long to take the seeds out by hand but when Eli Whitney invented a mechanized deseeder called a cotton gin all of a sudden it was worth keeping a lot of slaves around all year so they could pick a harvest of cotton. A machine that harvested cotton would have made slavery obsolete. It was on the way out anyway. England and France were so proud of themselves for outlawing slavery while at the same time they were conquering entire nations of slaves that they kept safely at a distance. It's called empire building. I tell you what Arty, we don't want to follow their example.

ARTY> Ah, yes. We don't want to go there. But to return to your exploits. Is it true that you would actually bully William Tecumseh "War is hell" Sherman into giving you what you wanted?

MOM> Well, Bill was difficult but he would not throw me out and I realized he was relying on me to do what needed to be done. He knew I wasn't doing it for myself. It was all for my boys. And I had to fight for everything I did get. Many's the time I'd walk into his tent and tell him "Now see here Bill, Don't be a fool!" and I'd get the railroad car I needed or the horse team to pull an ambulance.

ARTY> I understand his aides didn't exactly like you very much.

MOM> Oh, those poor dears. They thought they should be able to put their wives or mistresses in a rail car and go sleep with them every night like there was no war going on. Bill put them off the trains but still gave me what I wanted. They were jealous. Plus he allowed me to walk all over them. His aides complained to him about me and I still remember him saying "I'm sorry gentlemen but she outranks me!" I liked old Bill. He did terrible things because he had to but he had a soft side to. I know he missed his family. I think I got along with him because I treated him like his mother did.

ARTY> I want to thank Mother Bickerdyke for joining us at 20/20 hindsite. You were a real leader in what is now a health care industry. Something I've wondered. I assume Mother is not your given name. How did you come to be called "Mother"?

MOM> Well, I know Bill's aides did not call me that. My boys called me that. I held so many of them as they trembled out their last breaths. They often thought I was their mother holding them. The name stuck.

7.The Natural

The Natural in meerschaum (late '70s)

This was an attempt to guess what a pipe would look like if it grew that way. It was also a "G" rated version of an "X" rated version I did. 6" (15.2 cm) long

6.An Interview With Gandhi

Tree Pipe in meerschaum (late '70s)

This is an early pipe that I did for my dad who was an entertainer. Later I did one that looked like a paper birch and two that looked liked the first one but featured elliptical recessed panels on the front. One had a scene of a white tail deer leaping over a down tree and the other one had an underwater scene of a walleye swimming. That was the one design that I thought had commercial possibilities but by that time I couldn't get the raw material.

AN INTERVIEW WITH GANDHI

ARTY> Well, today we have a leader of the nonviolent approach to revolution,Mahatma Gandhi, a tiny man who starved himself many times for the enlightenment of the rest of us. I'll ask you the question I always ask. What, with the luxury of 20/20 hindsite would you do different?

GANDHI> Well, I'd like to thank you asking that, Arty. That is a very good question. The answer goes back in time to when the British first conquered us. Just like all empire builders the British were afraid of the defeated peoples. They kept enlarging their empire to prevent attacks by hostile neighbors thereby placing ancient enemies cheek by jowl. When they left there was all sorts of pent up hostility that just boiled over.

When I began to think about India's independence it seemed to me that the bigger the better. I had a vision of a peaceful country where we lived and worked together. The bigger the country the more powerful we would be. We have a lot of religions in the subcontinent and we've been living together for centuries. We should have been able to live together after the British left.

ARTY> What was different about the 1940s?

GANDHI> World War Two. We humans were tired of bloodletting. The British had been unmasked as a paper tiger when they couldn't defend their Asian colonies. I was educated by the British. I learned their beliefs and I used what I learned against them. My Muslim countrymen were suspicious of my leadership. I was too British, too Hindu, not enough them. While I thought about a greater India, the Muslims didn't. It never occurred to me that their hopes and dreams might not include living in a Hindu state. I should have instantly embraced my Muslim neighbors as fellow freedom fighters and understood their desire to have their own country, just as I did. It should have been a joyous coming to being on the world stage of two new good neighbors. And we could have coerced the British, maybe even the UN to oversee the mass migrations so there would be minimum trouble. They owed us that.

But I only pretended to be a humble peasant. My, my. When I found out how much attention I could get for dressing like a peasant and not eating I knew how to work the system. It was a good cause to be sure but I reached the semi divine status early and I did see myself as leading a revolutionary new type of revolution. You only get to lead a nation to freedom once. It was too much of a temptation to be another George Washington. Then the Muslims seemed to come to the fight years after I did, and they complicated things tremendously but I should have seen it coming and made sure my Muslim friends felt they were an integral part of the independence process.

ARTY> Where is nonviolence headed?

GANDHI> Well, it seems to be fading in the past. Everybody's armed now with cheap killing machines. Do you remember how I advocated a spinning wheel in every home as a strategy for combatting poverty in India? There are still people alive who remember me saying that. Now it should be a computer in every home instead of an AK47 in every home.

ARTY> One last question Mr Gandhi. First, thanks for stopping by 20/20 hindsite. I read once that as an old man you had a habit of climbing into bed with naked young women. Any comment?

GANDHI> Ah, Arty, you cannot fault me for that. There was no sex involved. They're just so soft and warm and they smell so good and when they laugh the sun shines. They volunteered, in fact they actually competed for the honor and they helped keep me alive and happy while I starved myself for a good cause. It took a lot of TLC to keep me alive.

5. An Interview With The World's Smartest Man

"THE CLAW"
5' (1.52 m) tall
A barber pole style staff made of Sumac. The claw end is the root, and the colors are natural. The white sapwood in the root goes many annual rings deep before changing color while on the trunk it is only one ring deep. The squarish, flamey thing on top is a manmade metallic crystal. It is glued to a penlight that can be used to light up that green crystal ball. I shoulda' quit while I was ahead on this one, but I set out aheada' time to make a lit staff but that staff, with that head didn't need any extra added features. Oh well. I just won't give it away like I do all my other Sumac creations.

The foot of this staff is a six toed cat's paw carved in tribute to Papa Hemingway's six toed cat's. The cat's had just won a court case letting them remain in Papa's house in Key West, Florida. This staff has also seen service with me in my wizard outfit, going to the local Renaissance Festival. It's so much fun handing out little Sumac good luck charms to young and old and posing for pictures with pretty young things.

IN INTERVIEW WITH THE WORLD'S SMARTEST PERSON

ARTY> We're standing on a corner here in Anytown USA and having a chat with that unsung, unknown smartest man in the world. Thank you for stopping. I always ask the same first question. Given 20/20 hindsite, what would you do different?

WSM> Wait a minute, dude. Unknown? I gotta lotta friends an' they all know how smart I am. Hey, Jerome! Come over here and tell this dude how smart I am! Well, he woulda' told you. Hey Jerome!

Oh, uh, lemme think. Well, I wish I had saved some of the money I stole from the navy back when I was a sailor stationed in Scotland. But I spent it all on dope an' my stripper girlfriend. Oh, she was totally awesome! She could turn you inside ou...

ARTY> Excuse me, but when did first realize you were the world's smartest man?

WSM> Like, forever, dude. Hey! That's sumpthin' you just know. Nobody had to tell me. I just knew it. Uh, I could just tell by listening to other people. Even my teachers in grade school were dumber n' me. I didn't pay much attention in school. Just mostly hung out. They sent me to a shrink once in high school but I told him to get f....

ARTY> Moving right along. It seems pretty obvious now why we managed to find the world's smartest man so easily. You were only the third person we asked and the first two had to think about it. So tell me, what does the world's smartest man do for a living?

WSM> Well, I'm a machinist right now. We make stuff for medical stuff. Some of it is so small you can hardly see it without lookin' through a scope. I'da' been a team leader by now but I can't keep my mouth shut. I tell it like it is.

ARTY> Hard to imagine why you didn't make team leader. Given your brains you must be economically independent.

WSM> Well, I'm workin' on it. There's a sure fire investment that I'm putting my money into right now. Assault Rifles. I got enough ordnance to arm 14 other guys. I'd have my own platoon. But who knew that ammo would be so spendy? God, when I think about all the brass we useta just leave layin' on the ground. Say, that'd be sumpthin' I'd do differe...

ARTY> Thank you, Now, as World's smartest man, can you tell us what is the biggest thing that you that we, as a nation, have to worry about?

WSM> Oh, the deficit for sure. Y' know, this country had no debt before Der Fuhrer came along and now all of a sudden there's these deficits.They're all corrupt! And my kids are gonna hafta pay for it. What's THAT all about? Thank God for the second amendment! YO! America rules!

ARTY>Well, there you have it folks, The World's smartest man. He's a middle aged machine operator with a decaying liver and a swimming pool in the back yard. He thinks that a romantic prelude to love making is to kick off his pajama bottoms in the morning when he wakes up. He votes.